An Intervention by any Other Name

Another celeb arrested for DUI; this time Heather Locklear. Sadly, celeb DUI arrests aren't news any longer. Are all DUIs an indicator of addiction? No. But, connect the dots . . . Checked into a medical facility in June for treatment of anxiety and depression (common manifestations of addiction) . . . And, if you pull the string you will probably find other consequences pointing towards addiction. These are also known as interventions . . . not the easier softer kind . . . but interventions nonetheless. Wouldn't a professional intervention have been nicer? Less expensive? Less humiliating?

No contest. No, that's not the plea . . . that's the answer.

Pre-Intervention: Limbo-Land

Got a call from a lady recently regarding her 24-year old daughter who she "just discovered" has been using cocaine for 2 years. The school she said she was going to, the jobs she said she held . . . all lies. The money going to the girl for "support and education" has been going up her nose. Her brother, who has been harboring this secret, is alarmed now because sis has started to shoot the stuff. So, the cat came out of the bag. Daughter had a "little marijuana problem a few years back, but we took care of that", Mom explains. Mom is really, really worried and ready to "do something right away." She has been referred by a well-known treatment center, we talk about intervention and her options, she is really ready but she needs to talk with ex-husband (cocaine daughter's dad). They have talked, she assures me, and he will be on board as he is scared to death. I tell Mom that, in my experience, if she (not the family) does not make a decision to move forward with intervention within a day or two tops she will most likely wind up in the pre-intervention place of indecision known as the Limbo Land. She gets that, assuring me that would never happen to her, she will call me back one way or another to let me know what her family is doing. Never heard from her.

I used to follow-up with these people . . . "Hi, just checking to see if you spoke with so and so, what your family has decided to do, how I can help you move forward", etc. Invariably they say one of three things:

1. He/she is going to go to counseling, a psychiatrist, getting meds, etc and we'll see how that works.
2. We decided to talk with him/her first (we are going to do it on our own).
3. It's premature/over-reacting to do an intervention because:
a. He/she hasn't hit bottom ~ He/she is not ready
b. The time for our family is bad now (vacations, health issues, work, etc).
c. We can't agree as a group that this is the way to go

Families will stay in this place until the next consequence. Then they will go through it again . . . and again . . . and again . . . just like their addicted loved one. Often, they stay in it too long and the consequence they receive is a real doozy or even irrecoverable. Sometimes they don't know this for years as in the case of testing positive for HIV/AIDS.

Why do families like this get stuck? Fear.
Whose fear? Theirs.
Tragic? Yes.
Avoidable? Absolutely.

Addiction is a Family Illness

Why do I harp so much on the need to treat the entire family? Why is the family so important to me? Why do I insist upon taking the time and energy to use the Systemic Model of intervention rather than the shorter, more profitable, easier Johnson model???
Did you read about Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond's latest arrests? These two are living examples of why the systemic model is the preferred approach. Neither of these guys get it. Are they addicts?? I can't answer that, but there is no doubt they both have a huge problem with drugs. Redmond's issue with drugs is well-known. He is on probation for drug possession for God's sake so it doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to make that connection. This happened in June, just 3 short months ago. Now this?? In addition, the anger, the violence, the ups and downs and all arounds point to a long history and pattern of drug involvement. And, I don't even know most of it.
Then there is Daddy Ryan. Even if he doesn't have his own drug issue then what's with allowing his son who is on probation for drugs to live in his house and have drugs?? Please don't go to the place where you say, "He probably didn't know about it." I don't buy that. But, IF he didn't, Daddy Ryan needs help all that much more!!!!
A systemic family workshop and the education provided would give a family like this the foundation they need to not live like this any longer. It would give them tools, resources and continued support. Instead they spend tons of money . . . far more money than a workshop, intensive follow-up and treatment would cost . . . on lawyers, bail, fines, lost wages and countless other things. This does not even begin to cover the costs that don't have a price tag on them . . . public humiliation and shame, lost freedom, damaged relationships, time in court and with lawyers.
They still have a choice. Perhaps one day they and others like them will reach out for the help that awaits them.

If you or a family member are struggling with addiction, please get help. Call today, (415) 717-3675. Service are available nationwide and abroad.

Addiction and Money

Most of us think of money as a powerful, effective tool. We like it, we need it, we work for it. We use it for fun and necessities. But, consider this . . . can it ever be harmful?
For addicts, alcoholics and their loving families, many times money can not only be a detriment, it can be deadly. Sometimes I think of it as the Great Eraser. Arrested? Money pays the bail, fines, lawyer . . . erase . . . problem gone. Marital problems? Money pays the lawyer, buys a new house to live in, new car to make you feel good . . . erase . . problem gone. Business difficulties? Money pays off disgruntled clients, business associates, various creditors and others breathing down our necks . . . erase . . . problem gone.
Reality check: Problem not gone. Problem just postponed or moved to a different venue or person.
The only time money is an alcoholic, addict or their family's friend is when it is used to treat the real problem, the addiction, and not used in imaginary attempts to erase it.

Intervention: What Role Does the Alcoholic/Addict Play?

So, the family is in agreement . . . their loved one's drinking, drugging, what-have-you . . . is out of control and they need help. They are now on the phone with an interventionist citing chapter and verse the litany of consequences that have lead to this call. And, then the following dialogue ensues:

"You are ready now to do an intervention", the interventionist states.
"Well, no because our loved one 'isn't ready'", comes the retort.
"Precisely; that is why the professional intervention. If your loved one were ready to get help you wouldn't be calling, right?"
"No, "you don't get it; he has to be willing to get help and he isn't."

If this circular thinking has you or those you know in its trap you are not alone. Many people cling to it for dear life . . . you can't help them until they are ready. The good news for families . . . . this myth is dead wrong.

The real issue is who decides when to do the intervention? Who is it who has to be "ready?"

The answers are the same . . . the family. More simply, just one individual within the family needs to be willing to lead the way. Believe me, the others will follow. The myth is that the alcoholic/addict has to be "ready"; the reality is that it is the family system that has to be ready. The alcoholic/addict will only become ready when the family is AND leads the way. Professional help is the preferred way to go, thus intervention.

You decide . . .

Intervention? What if the Family Doesn't Agree?

John's life is a mess and the family knows it. They've discussed the problems ad nauseum . . . his recent firing, wife left him, kids won't speak to him, his depression, his latest arrest . . . oh, the list goes on. Someone in the family notes his drinking or drugging. It's the problem they claim. But, the rest of the family is unsure. Is it that big? Does it have any bearing on the other problems in his life?? If so, how much? The family is at odds. One or two people think the drinking/drugging is a big problem, perhaps THE problem. Others don't agree or are unsure. What now?

Ask yourself this . . . is John's drinking ever a topic of concern or discussion in this family? Has it ever played a role in any of his problems? If so, it is significant enough to warrant consideration as the main culprit in John's life difficulties. A short phone consult can give you and your family more answers and insight. In all likelihood you will find yourselves on the same page and able to move forward in the appropriate direction. That direction may NOT be intervention, but you will do so with professional input and guidance.

Intervention! Who Decides?

When a person's drinking, drugging or other addiction becomes a problem who is it who decides to do a professional family intervention? Is it the person closest to the addict/alcoholic (a spouse or parent), a friend or a more distant relative? Is it one person or a group?

The answer is that anyone can decide to start or investigate the intervention process. Generally, it is someone close to the alcoholic/addict although sometimes it is someone more distant (a therapist, clergy member, doctor, lawyer, co-worker or colleague) who suggests the idea to a closer family member who then picks up the ball and runs with it. A commonly held belief is that the whole family group has to be in agreement before the process can even be broached. This is not so and it rarely is. It simply takes one person willing to investigate the option. From here, if others in the family group are willing to learn about professional intervention and engage a short consult with an interventionist, they can quickly learn if intervention is an appropriate option for their situation. If it is, one person generally spearheads the process and the group is on their way. It is not uncommon for people to have fears and doubts around the process, but with guidance all of this is overcome.

So, know this: It is a myth that everyone in the family system has to agree before professional intervention can be considered. It just takes one person to get the ball rolling. With professional help others are educated and join in and the momentum to move from pain to solution is started.

But, what happens if the family is not in agreement as to what the "real" problem is? What role does the alcoholic/addict's attitude have on the intervention process? Stay tuned for answers to these questions.

Relapse and Help with Addiction

The news abounds with stars that relapse. Most recently it was Mackenzie Philips. She is a bright, talented woman with all the trappings of success. Still, she battles this disease like so many. Relapses are always sad. Many don't make it back to health. I was contacted by a family regarding a family member who recently suffered a relapse. After a couple of weeks of thinking about going forward with services to help her they have decided that she needs to deal with some physical problems first and is getting psychological help for a divorce. Also, she has not had any "episodes" for a couple of weeks so things are "better." If they need help, they'll call again. Do you think their loved one needs help now? Do you think her alcoholism has gone away? Is it advisable to wait for another "consequence" to manifest before doing something? Do we get to pick our consequences? Do you think Mackenzie Philips picked hers? What consequence do you think it is they are waiting for? Do you think it likely they will call back or that when the next consequence manifests they will try to deal with "it" rather than the root problem which is addiction?

The disease doesn't come and go like colds do. It is a chronic condition. Sadly, the really noticeable outward symptoms can submerge when the spotlight on them gets too hot. In this case, the family will deal with the physical problems and the divorce, but not the real problem. But, the problems will appear again, usually worse than the last time. They will pop up in a different disguise, but make no mistake, the root is the addiction. It happens to those with fame and those without. Alcoholics and addicts don't get to pick their consequences. The consequences pick them. When people wait to get help they run a huge risk . . . the risk of expensive (yes, this will cost Mackenzie a pretty penny, but what the heck, she can afford it, right?), career-halting or interrupting (she's had that before), embarrassing (oh, who cares, arrests are no big deal these days, right?) consequences. But, an even bigger risk is the risk of an unrecoverable consequence. We don't get to choose. Sadly, the addict is generally unable to help themselves (that's part of the disease). When those around the addict don't see the disease or a relapse for what it is and come to their aid (not through enabling, but through professional help) it is even more sad.

Help is available. If you don't seek help through ARCS, please seek help somewhere. You and your family don't have to wait for tragic and unavoidable consequences to find you.

Addiction Chicken or Egg?

Which comes first . . . the addiction or the problems? Put another way, does the addiction cause the problems or do the problems cause the addiction? It's a simple matter of cause and effect, but sadly, most every alcoholic, addict and their family members have this backwards until they get into recovery. Believing that the problems are the root of the addiction (most can't even see that it is an addiction, but that is a topic for another time), they cling to the old songs . . . "I drink, drug, etc because . . . . ." The list is endless; "my wife doesn't love me", "my job is so stressful", "I have physical pain", "I'm depressed" and on and on it goes. Always there are assurances to themselves and others that when they fix this problem (whatever it is) they will get their addiction (whatever it is) under control. Doesn't happen. Addiction is loss of control. You don't get it back, but many die trying. In the meantime, they and their families are put through a meat grinder.

Problems in the addicted person's life and the life of their loved ones are caused by the addiction or, at the very least, are exacerbated by the addiction. Deal with the addiction and the problems begin to get better or go away entirely. Wow! Now, that is something to have hope around.

Need help? Call (415) 717-3675 for information on addiction and intervetion options.

All in a Day, the 2-minute rule.

Have you ever really thought about how much can be accomplished in just a day? It can be quite a lot, actually, and for the most part it happens without seeming to think about it. Errands here and there, work, meals, phone calls, being there for a friend, taking the dog for a walk. The list goes on. And, the thoughts we have around what we do before we do it. It's said we have an incredible number of thoughts each day, something like 4,000 . . . . or 40,000 . . . or some number equally as unreal. Who figured that out? Anyway, that said, from the big to the small we can do a lot in a day. Or, we can let the day slip by. A day never to come again. A well-organized Type-A friend of mine has a 2-minute rule. If you can do something in 2 minutes or less, do it now so you don't have to come back to it later. He's quite efficient, sickeningly so sometimes. But, he gets a lot done and he is upbeat about it. He welcomes challenges and "things to do." I do, too . . . including taking time to savor the things I've done.

What about you?

Labor and the Steps of Recovery

Happy Labor Day!!

For many this is just a paid day off work, a time to spend with families, a bidding fond farewell to summer at a BBQ gathering, the welcome relief that is just around the corner as the kids return to school. For others, the day is infused with the meaning of Labor Day, a day first celebrated in New York in 1882 to recognize the contributions laborers have made to the strength and well-being of this country.

Perhaps we should create a day to honor the steps of recovery? They have many similarities to this day, do they not? We "work" them, some might say we labor over them profusely much to a complaining sponsee's shigrin and a frustrated sponsor's delight. They provide us, our families, the community at large strength and well-being, don't they? But, are they something we really want to celebrate for only one day? Perhaps not. Perhaps celebrating them every day, one day at a time would be more fitting.

Your thoughts??