Intervention Fears: How Realistic Are They?

Every call I receive contains many spoken and unspoken negative feelings and emotions . . . anger, doubt, sadness, despair, anxiety. The biggest one is fear, the underlying taproot of all the others. Fear of what? Well, fear of everything. Fear of what I might tell them, fear of over-reacting to the situation, fear of their loved one's response, fear of the unknown, fear of the process, fear of the cost, fear of other people in the family, fear of. . . . you name it. Are the fears real? Absolutely. If it's your fear, it's very real. The question, however, is not are the fears real, but are the fears realistic? Most of the time they are not. That is the good news.

The bad news is getting the caller to believe me. Oh, my God. When one fear is addressed the justifications for another are trotted out. Get rid of that one and another is marched forth. It's endless; way too much to go into in one blog post. So, let me address one of the biggest and most common ones; fear of their loved one's response to an intervention. He or she will be so angry they will never speak to me again . . . Or, he or she will run away, they lament. I've facilitated innumerable interventions over the years and this has never happened. Not once. Why? Because there is nothing to run away from! The interventions I facilitate are all invitational, so running away is a non-issue. As far as never speaking again . . . it's quite the opposite. They come, they speak. And, they speak respectfully, because it is a respectful process. And, they learn. In large part what they learn is that their family cares SO much for them that they faced this fear and walked through it anyway. Their family cares SO much for them they hired help. Their family cares SO much for them they put aside their lives to assemble for a 2-day workshop. Their family cares SO much about them that they risked their loved one's hate, scorn, contempt, anger, rudeness and withholding of love to intervene anyway. As the process unfolds, this becomes undeniably clear, even to someone screwed up on drugs and alcohol. The impact . . . very powerful.

Are the fears real? Yes, indeed. So is the overwhelming love of a family that would go to the lengths to put together an intervention. Are the fears realistic? No. What is realistic is the hope a family can realize when they get help.

Don't let your fears bind you . . . or worse. Reach out for help. It is there, waiting.

There is Help ~ There is Hope

Interventionist Interview, Author Tony Boyle and his new book Beyond Passion

My interview with Tony Boyle author of a new book on Alcoholism's toll on families. The Australian author talks about "Beyond Passion".

Addiction and Money

Most of us think of money as a powerful, effective tool. We like it, we need it, we work for it. We use it for fun and necessities. But, consider this . . . can it ever be harmful?
For addicts, alcoholics and their loving families, many times money can not only be a detriment, it can be deadly. Sometimes I think of it as the Great Eraser. Arrested? Money pays the bail, fines, lawyer . . . erase . . . problem gone. Marital problems? Money pays the lawyer, buys a new house to live in, new car to make you feel good . . . erase . . problem gone. Business difficulties? Money pays off disgruntled clients, business associates, various creditors and others breathing down our necks . . . erase . . . problem gone.
Reality check: Problem not gone. Problem just postponed or moved to a different venue or person.
The only time money is an alcoholic, addict or their family's friend is when it is used to treat the real problem, the addiction, and not used in imaginary attempts to erase it.

Intervention? What if the Family Doesn't Agree?

John's life is a mess and the family knows it. They've discussed the problems ad nauseum . . . his recent firing, wife left him, kids won't speak to him, his depression, his latest arrest . . . oh, the list goes on. Someone in the family notes his drinking or drugging. It's the problem they claim. But, the rest of the family is unsure. Is it that big? Does it have any bearing on the other problems in his life?? If so, how much? The family is at odds. One or two people think the drinking/drugging is a big problem, perhaps THE problem. Others don't agree or are unsure. What now?

Ask yourself this . . . is John's drinking ever a topic of concern or discussion in this family? Has it ever played a role in any of his problems? If so, it is significant enough to warrant consideration as the main culprit in John's life difficulties. A short phone consult can give you and your family more answers and insight. In all likelihood you will find yourselves on the same page and able to move forward in the appropriate direction. That direction may NOT be intervention, but you will do so with professional input and guidance.

Intervention! Who Decides?

When a person's drinking, drugging or other addiction becomes a problem who is it who decides to do a professional family intervention? Is it the person closest to the addict/alcoholic (a spouse or parent), a friend or a more distant relative? Is it one person or a group?

The answer is that anyone can decide to start or investigate the intervention process. Generally, it is someone close to the alcoholic/addict although sometimes it is someone more distant (a therapist, clergy member, doctor, lawyer, co-worker or colleague) who suggests the idea to a closer family member who then picks up the ball and runs with it. A commonly held belief is that the whole family group has to be in agreement before the process can even be broached. This is not so and it rarely is. It simply takes one person willing to investigate the option. From here, if others in the family group are willing to learn about professional intervention and engage a short consult with an interventionist, they can quickly learn if intervention is an appropriate option for their situation. If it is, one person generally spearheads the process and the group is on their way. It is not uncommon for people to have fears and doubts around the process, but with guidance all of this is overcome.

So, know this: It is a myth that everyone in the family system has to agree before professional intervention can be considered. It just takes one person to get the ball rolling. With professional help others are educated and join in and the momentum to move from pain to solution is started.

But, what happens if the family is not in agreement as to what the "real" problem is? What role does the alcoholic/addict's attitude have on the intervention process? Stay tuned for answers to these questions.

Relapse and Help with Addiction

The news abounds with stars that relapse. Most recently it was Mackenzie Philips. She is a bright, talented woman with all the trappings of success. Still, she battles this disease like so many. Relapses are always sad. Many don't make it back to health. I was contacted by a family regarding a family member who recently suffered a relapse. After a couple of weeks of thinking about going forward with services to help her they have decided that she needs to deal with some physical problems first and is getting psychological help for a divorce. Also, she has not had any "episodes" for a couple of weeks so things are "better." If they need help, they'll call again. Do you think their loved one needs help now? Do you think her alcoholism has gone away? Is it advisable to wait for another "consequence" to manifest before doing something? Do we get to pick our consequences? Do you think Mackenzie Philips picked hers? What consequence do you think it is they are waiting for? Do you think it likely they will call back or that when the next consequence manifests they will try to deal with "it" rather than the root problem which is addiction?

The disease doesn't come and go like colds do. It is a chronic condition. Sadly, the really noticeable outward symptoms can submerge when the spotlight on them gets too hot. In this case, the family will deal with the physical problems and the divorce, but not the real problem. But, the problems will appear again, usually worse than the last time. They will pop up in a different disguise, but make no mistake, the root is the addiction. It happens to those with fame and those without. Alcoholics and addicts don't get to pick their consequences. The consequences pick them. When people wait to get help they run a huge risk . . . the risk of expensive (yes, this will cost Mackenzie a pretty penny, but what the heck, she can afford it, right?), career-halting or interrupting (she's had that before), embarrassing (oh, who cares, arrests are no big deal these days, right?) consequences. But, an even bigger risk is the risk of an unrecoverable consequence. We don't get to choose. Sadly, the addict is generally unable to help themselves (that's part of the disease). When those around the addict don't see the disease or a relapse for what it is and come to their aid (not through enabling, but through professional help) it is even more sad.

Help is available. If you don't seek help through ARCS, please seek help somewhere. You and your family don't have to wait for tragic and unavoidable consequences to find you.

Addiction Chicken or Egg?

Which comes first . . . the addiction or the problems? Put another way, does the addiction cause the problems or do the problems cause the addiction? It's a simple matter of cause and effect, but sadly, most every alcoholic, addict and their family members have this backwards until they get into recovery. Believing that the problems are the root of the addiction (most can't even see that it is an addiction, but that is a topic for another time), they cling to the old songs . . . "I drink, drug, etc because . . . . ." The list is endless; "my wife doesn't love me", "my job is so stressful", "I have physical pain", "I'm depressed" and on and on it goes. Always there are assurances to themselves and others that when they fix this problem (whatever it is) they will get their addiction (whatever it is) under control. Doesn't happen. Addiction is loss of control. You don't get it back, but many die trying. In the meantime, they and their families are put through a meat grinder.

Problems in the addicted person's life and the life of their loved ones are caused by the addiction or, at the very least, are exacerbated by the addiction. Deal with the addiction and the problems begin to get better or go away entirely. Wow! Now, that is something to have hope around.

Need help? Call (415) 717-3675 for information on addiction and intervetion options.